First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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