I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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