got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
