i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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