Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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