I need to stop coming to work sober
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
