I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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