Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
