i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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