Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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