zippers are such a cool invention
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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