I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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