3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
