i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
