direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
