if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
