Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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