is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
