I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
