I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
