once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
