Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
