Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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