just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Let's get the cat blown out
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
