I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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