Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
