Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
