I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
