I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
