I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize