It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
