tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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