He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
