i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
