i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
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Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You dont lie about slip and slides
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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