Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Randomize
