im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
