did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
