there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
