I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
