i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
