so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
