dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
