I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
