He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
