I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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