I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
