Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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