bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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