After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
