I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
