apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize