dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
