The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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