sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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