I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
