he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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