I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
